A
Photo Tribute..click thru to
Vimeo site to read
more about her life.
It
is with a heavy heart, that I announce the passing of my Mom, 'Mama',
'Mommala', 'Mommy', 'Barbie', the one and only, Barbara Lee (East)
Tower on Friday, December 2nd at approximately 6:30 PM. My brother and I
were honoured to be able to be there for her last breath.
She
was brought into Palliative Care 5 days prior to that after suffering a
stroke. Her speech was impaired and she couldn't feel her right arm
and leg. It was not hard to see that the cancer in her lungs was
starting to take its toll. The following days and nights were
completely sleepless, restless and...breathless. It didn't make sense
for me to see her like this...such a vivacious, energetic spirit. She
found temporary comfort with nebulizers and morphine but it never
lasted long enough for her to get more than 15 minutes of solid rest. She
kept telling me to go to sleep. My Mom...the most low maintenance
person in the world. I knew it must have been frustrating to have me
care for her because she never made anything about her. She was always
taking care of everyone else.
She communicated mainly through facial expressions, hand gestures and
the odd time she could throw out a short phrase quite easily. But when she couldn't, she got really good at
saying the word 'shit' in all her frustration. So funny coming from a woman whose harshest phrases were 'Uff Da' or 'Piffle'!
On Thursday, when nothing was working anymore, I told her that
sedation was an option. Before I even finished the sentence she said,
"YES"! This was a mortifying moment. I knew that this meant the
beginning of the end but was also grateful that she wouldn't have to suffer
through trying to catch her breath anymore. That evening was particularly tough
as the sedation set in much slower than any of us could have imagined.
There were a lot of tears, goodbyes and I love yous.
When
she did finally sleep, I snuggled in with her. I thought, 'well this
is no fun.' As hard as it was to go through the previous nights the way
she was, I was sad that she was not going to be awake with me.
Although it was a serious time, we still managed to get the
giggles...like when I would trip on my way over to the sink and ram my
hip into a table (what a surprise!). Or my eyes would be closed and I'd
open them to find her staring right at me...we'd both jump and then
burst into laughter! When I kissed her on the cheek, I could feel her
face light up as she squinted her eyes and smiled brightly.
I had received an email from my friend David in Australia, wishing me comfort in what he called, '
a strangely special' time. I thought it was the perfect description of what we were going through.
I am a child of earth and the starry skies, but my race is of heaven alone.
- Greek Proverb
 |
| Hand Twinsies! |
Ever since Tronn and I were kids, in quiet times,
she would squeeze our hands three times to say, 'I-Love-You'.
Needless to say this little gesture came in very handy in her final
days. When the chaplain came in the next day, I was lying with my head
on her shoulder holding her hand. Of all the songs he could have sung,
he chose to sing Christmas carols. UGH. It was both terribly sad and
beautiful at the same time. Not what I had hoped 'Christmas' would be for us this year but just kept squeezing her hand and savouring each moment.
I studied every part of her face...and
her hands. We have exactly the same hands (photo left is of our thumbs
side by side). When I would look in the mirror of the hospital
bathroom, I could already see her so easily looking back at me. It comforted me
knowing that she would live on in my brother and I. That night, Tronn
announced that he might head back to his motel when suddenly
she skipped a breath. And then another. We smothered her in kisses and hugs
and loving and comforting words until she took her last breath only
seconds later. I didn't want to leave her. She was so warm. I kissed
her forehead, breathed in deeply and said, "I'll see you soon."
The last book that my Mom read (and loved) was that of my friend Tash's,
The Story of Q.
It is a novel based on the elusive Q-document
(what the original writings of the Bible were drawn from) told through the
fictional stories of four characters. Riveting and controversial, it
will change the way you view humanity, God, the universe and
yourself.
I
was feeling particularly lonely for Mama the other night and decided
to pick the book back up to read knowing the words contained within
were some of the last she had read. I noticed that I had dog-eared some
of the pages so went back to them curiously to see what I had noted:
"In
ancient times," Master Lael said, "the descent of the soul into the
human body was described as a type of 'death' through which the soul
lives. Sunset symbolized the start of human life for this
reason--because in setting, the sun sinking below the horizon imaged a containment of divine light, the soul immersed in earthly matter. Sunrise, on the other hand, was the freeing of the soul from matter."
What
a lovely way to view oneself..divine light contained in earthly
matter. And to consider death not as an end but rather a rebirth...a
rising sun. These words obviously
resonated with me much more reading them this time around.
Hypermone
means 'tough endurance'..it means to 'stay with or under heavy task or
demanding situation', to apply oneself with courage, steadiness, and
fortitude to the tasks ahead'....For while life and our choices
inevitably bring us to facing difficult emotional and psychological
times, the reality of these times is that they are impermanent, temporary, always changing toward something better. Hypermone is the time from which we will always emerge in glory.
Despite
everything that has gone on the last few months, I have come to know a
certain comfort in my heart. Just after Mom's pulmonary embolism
at the end of August, we were cozied up in her hospital bed...I looked
at her and wondered if she was to leave, how could I possibly go on
without her? I could barely consider the thought when this phrase
echoed loudly in my head, 'but we will still be together.'
Vita mutatur, non tollitur: Life is changed, not taken away.
Challenging times are referred to as 'spiritual teachers' in '
The Story of Q'.
It's all a part of the soul's journey...gleaning knowledge and strength
through tribulations to find triumph waiting just around the corner.
Hypermone.
I got to have the greatest Mom imaginable for 36 years. Who can scoff
at that? Not I! I know she is with me. That she still wraps love around
me. That she is OK now. I will miss speaking 'whale' with her on the
phone. Dancing. Brainstorming. Photo expeditions. Being crafty together. Her
strength, support and guidance. My biggest cheerleader. Goofiness. Giggles. Her wit and sarcasm...and of
course her HUGS (that could make your day). She threw them out like candy and didn't discriminate. I intend to
continue with that legacy.
We used to end each of our correspondences with 'I love you
more than all the...' and some crazy amount of something, i.e.: all the
fur on cats, all the traffic in L.A., all the stitches that have been
knitted, all the waves that have crossed the ocean, all the loops in
carpets, all the hairs that have turned gray etc. etc. (always trying to
one up the other!).
This was one
of her last to me...'I love you more than all the light that has shone on
earth'.
Like
any other challenge my Mom endured in life (and there were many!), she accepted her illness with courage, dignity and grace. She was not the type to dwell or feel
bad for herself. She accepted the circumstances, made the most of them
and kept on going...with a sparkly grin, twinkly eyes and a
springy step!
Mama...I love you more than all the starlight, sunlight, butterfly wings, sea things, moon rocks and tick tocks in all the universe to INFINITY...and BEYOND!
xo,
Tootsie
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